btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
