He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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