Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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