I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well you can't waste a boner
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
