No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
