we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
