I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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