he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
