Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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