This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
