listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
