omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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