He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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