Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
