I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
