I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
