I accidentally burped into my bong.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
