I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
