"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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