my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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