I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't deserve a penis
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
