I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
