I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
