I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
