Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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