I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
