it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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