It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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