I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
