I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
