Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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