That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
