You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
