So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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