This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
