I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
