Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
