My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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