when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
