the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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