your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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