Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
