genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
