this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
