My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
