Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
