I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
