It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
