yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
