i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
