life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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