He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want her autograph on my taint
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
